Kissing Can Get You Pregnant
by SeraphimDarkholme
Summary: Jack tells Ianto how he got pregnant and who the daddy was, but can he stay sane when people from his past come back to wreak his life, or so he thinks. Warning. Mpreg. Ianto/Jack John Hart/OC
1. Chapter 1

**Kissing Gets You Pregnant **

**(****_I do not own Torchwood Doctor Who or any of the BBC's Russel T. Daivies ideas. This is a work of pure entertainment please do not sue my work isn't worth the trouble.)_**

Ianto was making coffee when Gwen walked into the room. She looked at Ianto for a moment and shrugged.

"I'd be careful shagging around with Jack if I were you," Said Gwen looking at Ianto. "He Said He was pregnant once then he went on about contraceptives in the rain."

Ianto gave her a strange look.

"Thank you Gwen," Said Ianto curtly. "But I think Jack would warn me if any thing like that could happen."

Swiftly Ianto glided past her with a tray of coffee and headed for Jack's office. When he entered the undying man's office he quickly set down the tray of coffee and unlocked the door.

Jack looked up at the young Welshman with a mixed look of delight and surprise.

"Well Ianto if I'd known you want a little me with your coffee all you had to do was ask." He said getting out of his chair and moving toward Ianto.

Quickly Ianto put his hands defensively in front of him.

"Is it true?" Asked Ianto panicked. "Well is it?!"

Jack looked at the young Welshman with confusion.

"Yan, calm down and tell me what in the hell you're talking about." Said Jack soothingly.

"Gwen said that you said that **_you _**were pregnant once!" Said Ianto flustered.

Jack smiled then laughed. Then Ianto began to calm down.

"Very funny Gwen," Laughed Ianto with relief. "You got me, ha ha very funny."

Jack stopped laughing and smiled at Ianto.

"It's true." Replied the American.

Ianto grabbed the side of the desk to keep from falling.

"Really," He said trying to wrap his mind around the concept of what his lover had just said. "You, no, WAIT!!! That means that we need to use more protection, and..."

"Whoa there Yan," Said Jack trying not to laugh. "I don't mean to insult your physiology, you have an amazing physiology by the way, but I couldn't breed with you even if I wanted to, you have too many genetic impurities."

"Then who did you shag," Asked Ianto before something dawned on him. "John Hart!!!"

Jack looked at the floor and smiled.

"Nope," Said Jack. "Not even close."

"Then who?" Pleaded Ianto.

"No one," Replied Jack. "I didn't get pregnant from shagging."

"Then how?" Asked Ianto confusedly.

"Kissing." Said Jack.

"That's not funny." Said the young Welshman in a threatening tone.

"When I was on Game Station I kissed the Doctor because I thought I was going to die," Said Jack. "Well I was in a reproductive cycle and I kissed the Doctor, well apparently when a Time Lord has an adrenaline rush he lets off excessive energy, in his case that was sexual energy, well when we kissed it was transferred into me and it found the nearest womb."

"Yours" Replied Ianto.

Jack nodded and continued the story.

"Well we all know what happens," He said waving the rest off. "I die blah blah blah, Rose brings me back, blah blah blah, well two months later I found out I was pregnant, seven months after that she was born, you know it confused me for a while, but I had always wondered why she had brown eyes, then when I met the new Doctor I found out."

"But you died," Said Ianto crinkling his nose. "Wouldn't that have killed her too?"

"Yes and no," Said Jack. "When I died the Time Lord energy continued to survive, but when I came back she had too, and like the new Doctor's form she had brown eyes, cheeky smile, brown hair, and an amazing sense of time and space, then she had some of my attributes, flirtatious, smooth talker, pheromones, like my mother she was short, she was pure muscle but femanine, small waist, wide hips, very large breasts, like me the model of perfection, but most of all she had my wild streak."

"What happened to her?" Asked Ianto.

"I don't know," Said Jack. "When she turned eighteen she left and never came back."

"I'm sorry." Said Ianto.

"Don't be," Said Jack. "The pain of losing her would have been too much, at least this way she was free to be happy."

Ianto hugged Jack. Suddenly the alarm sounded.

They rushed to the monitoring room. Jack's jaw dropped in amazement.

There she stood in all of her glory. Black leather pants, black patent leather combat boots, white t-shirt, black skin-tight vest, a gun stapped to each thigh, a gun holster resting on each hip, and an ammunition belt making an X across her very large chest.

Smiling cheekily she looked up at the camera and shot it.

"She's back!" Said Jack out loud.


	2. Why Are You Here

**Kissing Gets You Pregnant **

**(****_I do not own Torchwood Doctor Who or any of the BBC's Russel T. Daivies ideas. This is a work of pure entertainment please do not sue my work isn't worth the trouble.)_**

Gwen, Mickey, Martha, Jack, and Ianto rushed to the rift drop off point. Everyone but Jack had their guns raised and aimed at her. She raised her gun filled hands in the air and smiled.

"What no hug?" She asked with a sarcastic grin as she opened her hands out and let the guns dangle.

Jack walked up to her and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He tilted her her chin so that it sat on her right shoulder. He saw a spear shaped birth mark on the left side of her neck. Then he sniffed her neck and smiled.

"If you're a clone you're a damn good one," He said smiling. "You even smell the same. So... What are you calling yourself now?"

"Hadn't decided yet," Replied the young woman in front of him smelling the air. "What is this the twenty first century?... Um Shannon Marie, Shan, may be, hell just call me Shan."

"I take it you two know each other." Said Gwen.

"Probably shag buddies." Smirked Mickey.

"Oh Mickey," Said Martha looking down the barrel of her gun. "Grow up! Really!"

"Thanks Martha," Said Jack smirking at the girl. "But, Gwen is right we do know each other, she's my daughter."

* * *

Everyone sat down in the interrogation room drinking coffee, except for Shan who decided to just sit there with a smug look on her face.

"So," Said Martha trying to piece everything together. "She's your child from the Doctor, who kissed you and got you pregnant that way, and the reason she looks like the Doctor is because when he regenerated her embryonic energy somehow changed too?"

"Yeah," Said Jack smiling as if it were the simplest thing on the planet, then he turned to Shan. "So what brings you here?"

She looked at him and smiled.

"John Hart." She said smiling smugly.

Jacks smile disappeared and his face started to turn red.

"I thought I told you to stay away from him." He said through clenched teeth.

"Yeah," She said putting her feet on the desk. "You told me not to get a DNA tattoo either, but I did it any way."

He broke his coffee mug in his hand.

"You did what?!" He said slowly standing up.

"Got a DNA tat," She said grinning and turning her head toward the others and looking Ianto straight in his face. "When my skin is exposed to UV rays or black light a Transdaxian floral motif appears on my skin quite pretty actually."

She pulled a small device out of her shirt and shone it on her arm revealing a pattern of a type of flower that looked a cross between a rose and a tulip growing out of what looked like to be a poison ivy vine.

"Pretty," Said Martha. Jack glared at her and she cowered away. "Sorry, simple human never seen anything like... I'll shut up now."

"J-J-John Hart..." Said Jack straining for calm. "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?... ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!?!"

"Insane, maybe, completely, no," Said Shan smiling at her sputtering father. "And what I'm thinking is that John owes me and insane amount of money, and that I'm going to get it from him even if that means I have to sell his organs on the black market on piece at a time."

Everyone fell silent, even Jack was stunned.

"Dear God," Said Shan. "You actually believed that... Wow, hm, well the real reason I'm here is that John has something that I need and I have to get it back to the fifty-first century, so if you all will excuse me I'll be on my merry little way."

She was about to get up when Jack shoved her back down.

"You are not going anywhere," He said with a grave face. "You are going to stay here until you explain the full story in every detail, and I do not care how long it takes, if you remember, I have all the time in the universe."

Ianto looked between Jack and Shan. He saw that Jack had the advantage of age and experience on his side, but on her side he saw Jack's stubbornness plus the Doctor's resolve.

"You may have that much time," She said staring at Jack with soul piercing reflective brown eyes. "But not eveyone else does, so please just let me find him."

"Why?" Asked Jack.

Her smug look faded and removed her feet from her desk.

"When Gray came back after burying you," Said Shan seriously. "He injected himself, John, and three others with an antibody against a virus that is slowly killing the Human population. The others and I were able to contain the virus to the Boeshane Peninsula, but a couple of weeks ago someone slipped past us and managed to get a transport to Tellididan 3, a commerce planet, we were able to isolate the gene in the other's and prevent a sizeable amount of the population from contracting it, but John has ABO blood an incredibly rare type, and if that part of the virus lives then everyone back home is screwed."

"What about you," Said Mickey quickly distancing himself from her. "Doesn't that mean you got it too?"

"No," She said rolling her eyes. "Due to my unique physisology I can't contract the virus, it only effects complete human DNA, like yours or Dad's."

"Why would anyone do something like that?" Asked Ianto in disbelief.

"If Gray can't kill Jack," Said Shan looking at Ianto with her young yet ancient eyes. "Then he'll kill everyone around him. Just so he can watch Jack suffer as much as the Horrible One's made him suffer."


	3. Daddy's Conflict

**Kissing Gets You Pregnant **

**(****_I do not own Torchwood Doctor Who or any of the BBC's Russel T. Daivies ideas. This is a work of pure entertainment please do not sue my work isn't worth the trouble.)_**

The week after they stumbled upon Shan, Jack was restless and always on edge. Ten thousand things ran through his mind at once as he tried to understand what happened along the way of his daughter's life that would make her team up with Gray. He often stayed up at night with thoughts running through his head like merciless nightmares.

_Did I do something wrong? Well, yeah, okay, bad question to ask myself, I was a con, but I did what was best for us, God what did I do wrong?! _He often thought to himself.

One night Ianto stayed behind later than usual. He said that he needed to do some sorting in the archives and so went down to the basement until everyone left. He walked up to find Jack staring at a hologram. It was Jack holding Shan when she was two years old. He watched as the light danced across Jack's face and the holographic image of his lover tickled a much younger Shan's tummy.

"She was a cute baby." Said Ianto in his silky soft voice.

Jack looked up and quickly turned off the device.

"What is it Ianto?" He asked straightening his shirt.

"Nothing," Said Jack quickly. "Just taking a small trip down memory lane, nothing big."

"There is something wrong," Said Ianto. "You haven't slept for six nights, your constantly on edge, and most of all you were surprised by my prescence."

"Damn," He said rubbing his face. "You know me too well..."

Jack looked at the floor for a moment then back up at the young Welshman.

"Have you ever felt that you failed someone," Said Jack seriously. "That no matter how hard you tried you let them down completely that you made a mistake so big that you ruined their lives forever."

"Yes," Said Ianto walking towards Jack's desk. "I have and at times I still do, when I hid Lisa I wanted to heal her, make her better, but when she had to be killed, I thought that same exact thing. I thought that I had let her down so badly that I had caused her death, but I'm starting to realize that she was dead when the Cybermen had taken her. Her death was not because of anything I have done."

"But why Gray?" Asked Jack with soulful eyes.

"Why don't you ask her?" Asked Ianto.

"Maybe I will." Said Jack getting up and kissing Ianto before walking away.

* * *

Shan was tinkering with a vortex manipulator when Jack walked quietly into the room of his underground bunker.

"Hi Shan," She said knocking softly. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," She said chanting a small red and black crystal out with a clear purple one. "Just give me a second."

She pushed a button and the wrist band beeped.

"Perfect all done!" She said closing everything up. "Talk it up daddy-o!"

"Why did you team up with Gray?" He asked trying to remain calm.

"Don't want to talk about it." She said put the vortex manipulator back together.

"But I do." He said looking at her.

"Too bad." She Said walking away.

"Tamar Valeria Darvak!!!" He said firmly. "Tell me!!!"

"I was protecting you!," She yelled angrily. "That's the only reason he took so long to find you was because I was keeping him off your trail!!!"

He looked at her for a moment.

"Why," He replied hugging her. "You know I can't die."

"That's why," She said releasing her from his grip. "Because he would torture you non-stop until _he _died."

She walked away and vanished in a blast of bright yellow light.

* * *

In a bar John Hart was half way through a line of tequila shots when he looked up.

"Well," He said smiling drunkenly. "If it isn't the only person who ever had my heart."


	4. Red in The Face

**Kissing Gets You Pregnant **

**(****_I do not own Torchwood Doctor Who or any of the BBC's Russel T. Daivies ideas. This is a work of pure entertainment please do not sue my work isn't worth the trouble.)_**

Ianto smiled as Jack sat down and sighed over a hot cup of Ianto's wonder coffee.

"She was protecting my wellbeing," Said Jack smiling up at Ianto. "She doesn't think I'm a complete ass."

* * *

Shan smiled at a slightly drunken John Hart.

"Well thanks cowboy," She said taking a seat next to him. "But in my defense I know how to fix it."

"Bullshit," Said John turning another glass over. "There's no way to fix it."

"I did once," She said grabbing a shot glass out of his hand and turning it up. "Maybe I can again."

"How's Joey?" He asked bitterly.

"You've been gone a long time." She said staring blankly at the bar.

"How long?" He asked.

"Two hundred years." She said taking another shot.

"I'm sorry." He said awkwardly.

"Don't be, he led a long life died at 158 years old." She said smiling. "Thirty-four grandchildren, cute too, wish you could have seen them."

He huffed and took a shot.

"How long did Lily live?" He asked looking at her through the corner of his eyes.

"I miscarried." She said quietly. "Gray kept on torturing me until the baby died."

"I'm sorry." He said touching her shoulder lightly.

"I want a divorce." She said flatly.

"Right," He said chuckling bitterly. "I haven't been much of a husband, hell don't know why I tried the whole monogomy thing anyway."

"The money was good," She said smiling. "So was the... companionship."

"Loved the companionship," Said John. "The companionship was great."

"I love you." She said looking at him.

"I love you too." He said kissing her passionately.

They pull Compact Lazer Deluxes out of each other's pants and the room clears.

* * *

Jack was in his bunker with Ianto playing naked hide-and-seek when Ianto suddenly yelped.

"Ha," Yelled Jack happily. "I found you!!!"

Ianto held his foot and scowled at the older man.

"I think I cut my foot on something." He said sitting on the bed.

"Here," Said Jack grabbing Ianto's foot and resting it on his bare lap. "Let Dr. Harkness have a look-see."

There was a large gash across Ianto's right foot.

"Where were you hiding?" Asked Jack as he tried to gently let his lover's foot rest on the bed.

"Over there in the closet." Said Ianto pointing toward the closet.

"Alright," Said Jack padding over to the closet. "Tell me when I'm hot."

Ianto raised an eye brow and smiled. Jack looked back at him.

"You know what I mean." Chided Jack playfully.

Jack stumbled around until he stepped on something.

"Ow damn it!!!" He yelled angrily.

"You're hot." Said Ianto with an 'I-told-you-so' look on his face.

"Ha ha very damn funny Ianto," Said Jack picking a small green crystal out of his foot. "Huh, a data crystal."

"Well," Asked Ianto. "What's on it?"

Jack picked his lover up.

"Let's get your foot fixed and we'll find out." He said smiling that signature Jack smile.

"Shouldn't we get clothes on first?" Asked Ianto smiling.

"Why," Replied Jack. "They won't stay on for long anyway?"

"Foot, snooping, then play" Said Ianto as Jack pushed a button on his wrist stap. "I thought that was broken."

"Shan fixed it," Said Jack smiling suddenly they were in the Med bay. "Takes after the Doctor in that respect."

Martha gave a slight gasp when she saw the naked duo. Then she laughed slightly.

"Good Lord," Said Martha smiling. "You certainly do make an entrance."

"Ianto cut his foot." Said Jack as he turned Ianto to show the young doctor his Welsh lover's foot. "We were playing naked hide-and-seek."

"He cheats," Said Ianto as Jack set him carefully on the table. "He always cheats."

"No offense mate," Said Martha jokingly. "But if I was looking for a body like yours I'd always be cheating too."

Ianto blushed fiercely as Martha check him over.

"You're gonna need stitches," She said getting her tools together. "This is going to hurt."

Ianto gave a slight shout as Martha stuck the needle into the gaping wound. He squeezed Jack's hand tightly. Jack smoothed the Welshman's hair as Martha sewed up the injured foot. After about seventeen stitches later and many comforting words later Martha was done.

"Time to snoop." Said Jack as he started up the computing function on his wrist band. "Let's see what this baby has to offer."

A large holographic image appeared in fifty-first century English.

Jack's face turned red. He looked at Martha and Ianto for a moment.

"I'll be back." He said through clenched teeth before turning and storming out of the Med Bay.

Ianto scratched his head for a moment.

"If my understanding of fifty-first century English is correct," He said trying to wrap his mind around the concept. "That was data file on his daughter, Tamar Valeria Darvak-Hart."

"As in John Hart?" Asked Martha confusedly.

"Yeah." He said slowly.

"And that means..." Said Martha.

"John is a dead man." Finished Ianto.

* * *

Jack barges into bar after bar until he storms his way into the emptied bar. He sees John stand up from behind the counter.

"John," He said angrily. "You are one dead son of a bitch!!!"

"What did I do?" Asked John not backing away from the counter.

"You married my daughter," Sputtered Jack angrily. "You have had sex with _my _little girl!"

John was at a loss for words when he noticed Jack was looking him over.

"John, why in the hell aren't you wearing a shirt," Asked Jack as he began sniffing around. "Are you naked?"

John looked like a lost puppy. Jack took out his revolver.

"WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!" Demanded Jack.

John tried to open his mouth, but Jack pushed him out of the way and looked at the floor behind John. Tamra was full eagle spread naked on the floor.

"Hi Daddy." She said sheepishly.

Jack turned a dangerous shade of red.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" He said trying to keep his calm.

As he went to pull the trigger everything went black.


	5. He Doesn't RememberWe Should Talk

**Kissing Gets You Pregnant **

**(****_I do not own Torchwood Doctor Who or any of the BBC's Russel T. Daivies ideas. This is a work of pure entertainment please do not sue my work isn't worth the trouble.)_**

Jack woke up to the feeling of tubes and needles sticking in him. Quickly he started pulling out everything that he felt on or in him. Martha walked in and let out a sigh of relief.

"My God Jack you're ok." She said happily.

"Well duh Martha," Said Jack pulling a feeding tube out of his nose. "I die I come back to life it's a safe bet that I'm going to be fine."

"You didn't die." Said Martha sheepishly. "You had a massive CVA."

"I had a stroke!!!" Replied Jack in shock.

"Yeah..." Replied Martha rubbing her neck. "That's what happens after a massive shock to the body..."

Jack finished removing the needles and monitoring pads from his body then he looked at Martha.

"What do you mean massive shock to my body?" Asked Jack in a threatening tone.

"You experienced a huge amount of stress that caused you to uh..." She said looking at Jack's confused face. "Do you remember what happened to cause the stroke?"

Jack shook his head no.

"I remember taking Ianto to the Med Bay and anything after that is a blank." Replied Jack.

Martha nodded slowly and sighed.

"Memory loss is a usual symptom of being a post-stroke patient." Said Martha to herself.

"Stop that," Said Jack putting a hand up. "I don't like being called a patient. It makes me sound sick."

"You are," Argued Martha. "You suffered a massive CVA two weeks ago and have been unconsious ever since, I think that constitutes as being sick!!!"

Jack sighed then smiled.

"Hey where's Shan," He said smiling. "Maybe we can do something together tonight, see a movie or somthing."

Martha smiled as she watched an oblivious Jack leave.

* * *

Shan was asleep in the bunker when Jack came in with a clang.

"I didn't do it!!!" Shouted Shan as she bolted up right.

"Good morning," Said Jack walking over to the bed. "Or should I say afternoon sleepy head."

"Dad!," Yelled Shan with a look of fear on her face. "You're awake..."

"Yeah," Said Jack smiling with a slightly confused look. "I'm awake aren't you happy?"

Shan gave him a confused look for a moment.

"You're not mad." She stated out of confusion.

Jack tilted his head.

"Why would I be mad?" He asked grinning.

She smiled for a moment.

"Dad," She said putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm going to go talk to Martha. I'll be back."

* * *

Martha was sipping on coffee when Shan came up like a confused wild cat.

"What in the hell is wrong with Daddy?" Demanded Shan as she pointed her thumb towards the bunker.

"He is suffering memory loss due to a massive stroke," Said Martha getting out of her chair. "Brought on by extreme stress."

Shan's face fell.

"Martha." Whispered Ianto. "Stop it."

"No," Said Shan tiredly. "I deserve it, I should have told him that I was shagging his ex-lover, but I knew this would happen, God I'm an idiot!!!"

"May be you should have told him you were married to him." Said Ianto taking a bite of doughnut.

"If you weren't hott I'd kill you." She said walking away.

* * *

Shan went back to the bunker and smiled at Jack.

"Dad," She said smiling. "Sit down, there's something we need to talk about."


End file.
